This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
