Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Randomize
