I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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