When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
