I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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