Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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