Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
