I think my fart just growled at me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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