you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Shame - the story of my life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
