He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
