Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
