that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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