it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
