"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
