Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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