I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
