The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
