I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i think i just lost a toe
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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