I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
