Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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