i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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