She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
