The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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