He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize