How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
