you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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