It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
