I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
