The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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