the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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