I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
