Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she peed on how many people?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
