I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
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