I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
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