oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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