I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
