Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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