When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
