It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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