ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
