When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
