Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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