the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
