hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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