he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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