We named our party play list daddy issues
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
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