Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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