Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
