Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
