It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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