i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I want a musical about memes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
