don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
