I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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