how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
