Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize