nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
