He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize