He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
