That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
barbara walters just said penis...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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