in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
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