do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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