I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
