hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
